Success, Disappointments, and Rejections

This past year, I took a lot of risks and in turn, made myself vulerable to the judgement of people I have never met. I learned that if I never risk, I will never grow. As a result of trying to describe myself in written form and sending it to annoynomous readers, I experienced a wealth of emotions that were fairly new to me. In laymen's terms, I faced a lot of unexpected disspointment and rejection.

The process of applying for scholarships meant that I had to take time to reflect and think about myself. Questions like "who am I" or "what do I stand for" and "what is my greatest passion" were unavoidable. By day, these questions hung above my head and late into the night, I would chip away on the answers word by word. There is a terrifying quality about knowing you put your entire being into a application that will be handed to a panel of judges. Nevertheless, I repeatedly took the plunge and a seed of hope was planted.

The more applications I wrote, the number of rejections also accumulated. To be frank, I was devastated. To describe who you are as a person and then have unknowns shuffle through the sheets of paper and reject your worth gave me sadness, anger, and heartbreak in return. Talking to peers provided no comfort nor support. I questioned why they didn't apply and their answer was: "If I don't put in effort, I will never face rejection". Watching one of my closest friends receive what I longingly hoped for made me question my worth and develop self doubt towards why I put in effort to receive nothing in return, not even a rejection email.

To put it in perspective, my 12 years in the public education system never prepared me for this turbulent range of emotions. Fulfilling what our education system expected was never a challenge when rubrics and detailed instructions are always provided. For scholarship applications, the mandatory requirements are sparce but expectations run high. I continuously questioned why I didn't quite reach their expectations. Instead of the question "who am I" looming over me, it became "why not me".

After many weeks of post-rejection, I started to gain new perspective. Through self help books/videos (yes, I went there) and a complete re-evaluation of who I am as a person, I realized that awards or acceptances are not a definition of my worth. Blindsided by emotions, I couldn't see that I did gain from these rejections. The process of constantly answering who I am made me solidify my beliefs and opinions. I experienced a strange mix of jealousy and happiness for my friend, and was forced to decide which one mattered more. I realized that for some things, there is an element of luck; the phrase "life's not fair" never hit me so hard. I learned that awards does not define how well I did, but that it is an encouragement. In reverse, the lack of rewards should not discourage, but serve as a basis for personal growth and reflection.

These valuable realizations were only possible because I risked, and put myself in a vulerable position. As a leader, I realized that I will continue to put myself in these situations because that's the only path to improvement. I learned that it is important to take a glance back to learn, but to always look forward with renewed hope. A quote I heard last week, but I wish I heard before this entire process is that "every success is a product of failure but every failure is a potential for success".